Your Perfect Child

Take time from your busy schedule to play a little every day. Child focused play sends an unspoken message that your child is important and worthy of your time. That in turn, builds self confidence and self esteem in your child. Child focused play periods in one day will decrease temper tantrums and misbehavior. Build sibling bonds as you include everyone in the fun. Play activities need not be complicated or lengthy. You can play while sitting on the couch or folding laundry. Just turn off the TV and play a little every day. Read my full syndicated article “Don’t underestimate the power of play” to find simple games to enhance motor development, language, math and science skills, and build self esteem.

Some children are viewed as just plain difficult. They may refuse to wear certain clothes, hate to take baths, hit for no apparent reason, crash into things with a high tolerance for pain, have difficulty transitioning or intolerance to crowds or large family gatherings.  Parenting a “difficult child” can be embarassing as well as frustrating, and as frustrations build, temper tantrums can escillate. Children generally don’t misbehave without cause, so look carefully for underlying distress. If your child does show signs of distress with any of our 5 senses, take a closer look to see what his triggers are. Children who hit for no apparent reason can be sensory seeking, just needing to hit something or someone, so provide pressure and sensory input experiences throughout the day by playing drums on the table, jumping or hopping, or finding treasure in a washtub filled with rice. When hiding treasure (crayons, coins, matchbox cars, etc), be aware of item size and choking hazards, as safety always comes first! Digging through a dishpan of rice or beans to find hidden treasure is a calming, soothing activity which can be offered several times throughout each day. Read my syndicated article to learn about other triggers and remediations for temper tantrums in Understanding a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

Planting a garden with a child can be quite a memorable experience, and gardening  provides man teaching opportunities which will nurture your little learner. Introduce math and science skills by measuring soil, counting seeds, and using a magnifying glass when digging in the dirt. Fine and large motor muscles are put to work as your child picks up, plants and pats down tiny seeds or starter plants. Ignite some giggles and excitement while enhancing sibling relations by providing each child a clay pot to decorate before planting their favorite vegetables in their very own pots. The benefits continue as your child’s self esteem soars as he takes ownership to his very own little vegetable patch, and then harvests the fruits of his labor! Read the full article, “With children, how does your garden grow?” for suggestions of great children’s gardening books to read, and fun crafts to incorporate as you get out and grow.

I had the pleasure of speaking with published author and licensed family therapist, Helene Rothschild, who wrote the poem, As I Grow.  Her words thoughtfully remind parents that they are raising a beautiful little individual who needs to be heard, understood, respected and taught. She writes through the heart of a child, asking the parent to answer questions briefly and clearly. She asks for attention through compliments and time together. She emphasizes that curiosity and interest need to be nurtured to develop self confidence, and build a successful, fulfilling life. Raising a child can be very demanding with a full  schedule of Dr. appointments, teacher conferences, soccer practice, meals to prepare, homework to complete, and tears to wipe. Sometimes those demands  don’t leave much time or energy for the real things which matter, such as nurturing your child’s spirit, or his creative individuality.  Helene’s words remind us that everything matters, so to take the time to give your child everything he needs, as he grows. Read more in my article “Words of wisdom to remember each day“.

It’s easier than you think to get your child to help around the house. Build a Helping Hands Jar for your child to choose a job a day to learn small tasks and take responsibility. Even your preschooler is old enough to help with small jobs, and helping will build his self esteem. When a child helps out he feels more a part of the family, and he learns skills needed for everyday life. Watch my you tube video Helping Hands Jar on Your Perfect Child channel and read my syndicated article “Get your children to help around the house”.

It’s often difficult to remain calm in the midst of a toddler’s storm. However, it is totally possible to redirect, or even teach your child when tempers are surging. Try one simple technique of breathing which is calming, and forcing deep breaths. The next time you feel frustrated, need to gain control, or address a misbehavior, take the time to smell the roses. Bring your fingers to your nose, as if holding a bouquet of rose buds, and breathe in, very deeply.  Now, as if holding a lit candle in your left palm, blow it out, long and slow, exhaling everything. Even a young child can learn how to self-regulate, as he watches you take control by taking time to smell the roses! There are several other, very effective breathing, self-regulating techniques which children love to practice in the car or before bed. Take time to teach your child one technique each week, and within just over a month, you can prompt him to “fill up like a balloon”, “become a pretzel”, “drain out all the water (and stress!)”, and more. Children of all ages will be successful with these fun yoga positions and medatative breathing, while learning to calm down, self-regulate, and de-stress. Have fun together while you learn, relax and breathe deeply. Read the full article, “Control your temper, then teach your child”.

It is helpful for your child recognize that, at one time or another, we all become frustrated, angry, disappointed or hurt. Children need to learn to put names to their feelings, so they can express themselves with words, rather than act out of emotion. Young children do not know how to identify what they are feeling when they are ready to explode before a tantrum. Teach outside of the event, and post a Feelings Faces board to help your child learn about his feelings and emotions. Recognize different attitudes and feelings throughout the day by moving a personalized magnet onto different faces which identify a variety of feelings. Those who learn to identify their feelings and express themselves through words are more successful, with higher self-confidence than those who act upon their emotions. Set your child up for success as a good communicator, and spend time each day identifying emotions with a Feelings faces board. Read my full, syndicated article, Identifying feelings is important for all in the family.

Thumb sucking is a tough habit to break. The longer a child sucks his thumb, the more difficult it is for him to stop. Thumb sucking is associated with security and can often help a child self regulate or relax. Typically children break the habit between two and four years old, but there are things you can do to help an older child break the habit. It is not helpful to nag or punish a thumb sucker, however, providing information and self empowerment can often lead to a turning point. Take your child to a pediatric dentist or, a visual tour to the web “the damages of thumb sucking” so he can see how his mouth and teeth may look if he continues thumb sucking. Find helpful products on www.Thubmbuddytolove.com which your child may be willing to try. This site is a winner of the PTPA Award, as well a the Mom’s Choice Award, and offers time tested, parent proven products for those who are ready to help their child break a difficult habit . Always remember to provide intentional, positive support, always recognizing every effort made by your child, whenever he is working to break a difficult habit. Read the full syndicated article “Child sucking his thumb? Break the habit”.

Has your child ever embarrassed you in public, with either words or actions? Does it feel as though he chooses to humiliate you, especially when others are around? Inappropriate behaviors which are not clearly addressed at home may accelerate in public, because children learn that what is tolerated at home will certainly be overlooked in public, to avoid a public tantrum.  I received a letter asking for help from a mom of a 7 year-old, with what mom referred to as a “bratty attitude”. Her daughter has stopped listening to her, is rude, and actually mimics her in public, shaking her finger, while repeating her mother’s exact words.  Her mom thought it was a phase, which began about a year ago. Now, it is typical, everyday behavior, which is intolerable.  I suggested six simple suggestions with details on how to implement each one. I suggested she learn how to 1. Teach outside of the event. 2. Continually recognize all positive behaviors. 3. Don’t ask. 4. Don’t yell. 5. Don’t dance. 6. Designate time together.  Read details of how to eliminate rude, disrespectful behavior in my syndicated column, Take your child from rude to respectful.

Tired of night time wakings? Tired of never knowing when your child will fall asleep? Tired of whining, meltdowns and cranky behaviors? Tired of being tired? Make the decision to begin a new bedtime routine which will help both you and your child. Begin by deciding to put your child to sleep with a routine, in his own bed. It is always easier on everyone to commit to this on a weekend. Determine the most effective and most realistic bedtime for your child, and build an evening routine around that. Read my article “Be consistent when changing baby’s sleep routine” which can help with lights out and night time wakings.

So many parents find themselves exhausted with their child’s irregular sleep patterns, changing routines, or no routine at all. Parental exhaustion can lead to  irritability, anger and even bad judgement. Exhaustion in children leads to temper tantrums. We all need a good sleep in order to function well. Children’s sleep patterns can be disrupted by illness, teething, household chaos, and even a new baby. Rather than become frustrated and wait for it to get better, you can develop a sleep behavior plan which suits your child and your family. Some parents think they need to let their baby or child cry it out, but that is not the case. Also, before you design your behavior plan, it’s important to make sure that everyone is on the same page, or, at least won’t work against your efforts with an alternate plan.  Read my full, syndicated article, Want to help your baby sleep? Go in with a plan.

Many parents have a difficult time getting their child to sit at the table, or eat anything other than fried chicken strips, mac and cheese, pizza or hot dogs.It can be a challenge to get your child to try new foods, or sit for longer periods at the table. Realistic expectations for table time is important, but you can easily eliminate many ups and downs by involving your child with meal planning, food preparation, the table setting and decorating, as well as the topics for conversation. Ask your child what he would like for dinner as you are preparing your shopping list. Talk about foods which balance, such as vegetables and fruits. When it’s time to prepare your dinner, invite your child to be your chef’s assistant, to wash and tear the lettuce, snap the ends off string beans or peel the cucumbers.Continuous exposure to a variety of foods will help to develop an acceptance. Even if your child won’t try something the first few times, encourage him to continue to prepare it for the rest of the family, who just loves it! Involve your child with table setting, using different plates, decorative napkins, flowers and special serving utensils. He will be more likely to serve himself with the items he has chosen for the dinner table.Be certain to use the bathroom and wash hands, as a regular house rule before dinner, to eliminate dinner-time disruptions. Once at the table, initiate conversation about your child, and remark on a few special accomplishments he has made, such as how helpful he was with preparing dinner, or how you notices he was thoughtful by sharing with his friend. Keep conversation focused on him for as long as possible, and he will stay at the table to hear it! Read more about how to help a picky eater and minimize mealtime frustrations in my syndicated column, Is your child a picky eater? Stop the mealtime battle.

Some children have a difficult time getting up in the morning. They ignore wake-up calls from the kitchen, and hit the snooze button on their alarm clock. After much frustration and some yelling, finally he gets out of bed, rushes to get dressed and doesn’t have time to eat a healthy breakfast. This is a bad way to start anyone’s day. You can help your child find an easier way to start each day when you work together and develop a game plan. Ask him what you can do to make things easier in the morning. Give him his own alarm clock, and review everything he needs to do in the morning before school, so he can set his alarm for a realistic time.Let him know that he isn’t getting enough sleep at night if he can’t get up. Therefore, his bedtime will need to be earlier each night, until he is rested enough to get up on time. Also, offer incentives, such as wonderfully scented cinnamon rolls or warm toast to help him get out of bed in the morning. Once he understands that you are going to help him with a new routine, he will learn to rise and shine, on time. For more information and ideas to inspire, read my full, syndicated article, Here’s how to beat the early morning rush.

Spread the love on Valentine’s Day, and let everyone know that you care. While raising my children, we baked our way up to Valentine’s Day, then frosted, decorated and wrapped our treats with enthusiasm, as we prepared to deliver our unexpected packages to our older neighbors who didn’t have a special someone in their life any more. The joy at the door warmed everyone’s hearts. Children love to celebrate, so even a small effort on your part can make a big impact for them. Show your child how much you care by preparing heart pancakes for breakfast, a heart shaped cake for dessert, and some heart shaped grape ice cubes for a special Valentine dinner. Decorate placemats with your child, and set the dinner table with chocolate kisses and little love notes for everyone.  Read more about how to make Valentine’s Day special for your family in my syndicated column “Valentine’s Day is day for families.”

Parenting is a tough job. Nobody is prepared for the constant pushback, the whinning, the tantrums, the emotional meltdowns, the begging, negotiation, disappointment, embarassment or threats which children dish out every day. Sometimes a parent can feel like she is on the loosing end of the line; without any control, only to be facing a controlling, out-of-control child. Rather than push back, punish, negotiate, yell, or spin out of control in anger, take a breath, and think about the 3 “wh” questions:  Why you wanted to have a child, what you love about him, and who you want him to grow up to be. Then, parent with a purpose. Teach with patience, provide clear expectations, praise or recognize each and every positive behavior, and provide natural consequences which teach, rather than punish. There is a simple way, every day to build a loving relationship with your child, while teaching him to improve his behavior in every area. Read my syndicated article,”Parenting is the most important job ever“, which is filled with a tip of the day, for months on end. Try one new positive approach each day, and become an empowered parent. The tips are easy, and the results are amazing!

Children often ask questions, always expecting the truth. Sometimes their questions are difficult or embarrassing to answer, but, still it is important to tell the truth. Answer each question with one, simple sentence, only ever providing age-appropriate information. A mom was caught off guard when her 4-year-old asked if she knew that girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. Telling a child that is not true may send the child back to the source, asking more questions, giving the topic more attention. When that truth is validated by someone else, that child will learn to mistrust her mom’s word. Always tell the truth, but with the simplest of answers. If a child needs further clarification after one sentence has been provided, he will ask. Wait until he asks, but always tell the truth. Many  children will accept a simple answer of yes or no, and then can be easily distracted  to another topic of interest. A statement such as, “Wow! I didn’t realize how much you have grown! Your pants hardly fit you!” may redirect your child’s attention from an uncomfortable topic, to himself! Answer with the truth, and then distract to diffuse! Read my syndicated article, “How to answer your child’s tough question“

Children are not born with manners, which is why parents need to emphasize teaching, and often use the phrase, “What’s the magic word?” Teaching children to be mannerly or grateful does take consistent effort, but it’s not a difficult job. It simply takes thoughtful teaching, outside of the event. Reminding your child to say, “Thank you” while he is opening a gift, is just that; a reminder. Teach your child, at another time, saying, “When you are given your gift, say, “Thank you!” as soon as you rip off the paper!”  You can give your child practice by opening household items which you have wrapped in newspaper or a paper bag for practice. Most children love ripping paper, so the practice will be fun, while hands-on learning takes place. Children are brilliant and resilient. They can learn just about anything, if you teach, rather than tell. Read my syndicated column, Teach your children to mind their manners.

The real story of the 3 little P’s can change the dynamics of your entire household. Those special 3 little P’s can eliminate sibling rivalry and minimize temper tantrums. They can improve your child’s behavior, build self esteem, promote responsibility, and increase compliancy. Parenting can be easier when you clearly present the information, provide the opportunity and praise the behavior when your child meets your expectations. The 3 little P’s will be effective with toddlers through teens. A step by step procedure is provided with examples in my article “Parental empowerment or embarrassment?”. It’s your choice.

It’s so wonderful when children have a friend come to play, but play dates can turn sour very quickly when children are simply expected to “go play.”  Young children need lots of structure and practice, because they are just learning how to share, negotiate, cooperate and collaborate. Start young with three- and four-year-olds, providing them with structured activities, and teach them how to share. Remember that when little ones are in school, their time is completly structured, and filled with interesting activities. Why then, would a parent expect young children to get along or play well when they say, “go and play”? For older kids, inviting a friend to your home can reinforce the skills your child has learned during his younger years. Sadly, I watched a ten-year-old make fun of his friend when a basketball rolled down the driveway. He laughed the entire time as his guest chased the ball down a long hill. If a ten-year-old hasn’t learned to be thoughtful or kind toward his guest, his friendships will be limited, and other parents will be reluctant to recipricate or have that child at their home. It’s never too late to teach your child how to play with another child, and siblings can learn to play cooperatively, as well.  Read how easy it is to provide expectations and manage successful playdates in my syndicated article, The right way to save play dates gone wrong.

Does your child tattletale? Young children are little reporters, and have not developed impulse control, or discretionary decision making skills. Parenting can be so difficult when your little one continuously tattles on his siblings as a means of getting one in trouble, or better positioning himself in a specific situation. Tatteling can be mean, self centered, and often obnoxious, especially when it is constant or habitual. Continuous household tatteling can cause a parent to make a House Rule of “No More Tatteling!” However, before you make that rule, read “Teach children it’ important to tell” to learn the difference between tatteling and telling. Read about a game to play with your child to teach him why it is always important to tell, if anyone is at risk of being hurt. Learning to tell can minimize bullying, and perhaps even save a child from emotional pain or danger. Tatteling is wrong. Telling is important. Teach your child the difference, and listen closely when he does come to you to tell.